


I'd like to try

by Captainbeenis



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Introspection, Memories, Other, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26643010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captainbeenis/pseuds/Captainbeenis
Summary: After Ellie confronts him on the porch of his house, Joel goes to bed to have his brain attack him with the failures he had that took him to where he is now.me no good at summary, but basically Joel can't sleep and thinks about some of the people he holds dear.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	I'd like to try

**Author's Note:**

> i should be sleeping, but here i am, trowing my self hate into joel for a little bit. He a good fella, he can take it.

He didn’t know how much time had passes. His fingers like his coffee had been cold for a little while now. He knew he needed to head inside... he just wasn’t ready for what he slowly realizes was going to happen... the long sip of cold coffee was horrible, but it finally manages to force his body into taking the first step to what will be a long and sleepless night.

He closed his eyes and he was sitting... closed them again and he had his guitar in his hands, the cold metal strings almost cutting into his fingers from the force he was putting into them... now he was strumming random chords in an attempt to do something, to keep his mind occupied like he had done for so many years... he closed them one last time to the sound of the strings singing a C#m (or was it just a Cm?) and just stood there.

The wind cold wind was calming and the chords he knew by muscle memory kept him from letting everything go. C#m followed by an F#, then a B and ending with E... he had taught this song to Ellie... he knew that much...

"But I’d like to try" 

He stopped mid song after hearing the words resonate in his head, silencing the melody of the song. he knew that the only thing that could come from standing there in the cold playing guitar was just a cold and a reprimand from his brother when he came in the morning. After a long breath and an equally long look at the sky, he decided to bring back his mind from whatever nothing it was hiding in and call it a day... with all his strength he manage to get up from the chair and escape the coldness of the outside into the coldness of his house. He left the guitar close to his fireplace and his mug on the first table he found and decided that, even if he wasn’t going to sleep decently (if anything) tonight, he would at least suffer in the comfort of his own bed. 

The trip was short and very helpful to prepare himself, at least mentally, for the night that was before him... he turned off all the light on the first floor and didn’t even bother to turn on the ones on his bedroom, the darkness was a calming companion.

He knew what followed this night, he used to get them when he first got to Jackson and when this whole... thing started... a cold and long night of... introspection.

Joel ran a hand across his face, slow and heavy, stopping in his mouth... his eyes drifted to the photo of Sarah in his nightstand... he looked at his past self for a few seconds. A heavy sigh escaped from his lips and he went to sit on his bed.

He took off his boots and pants, followed by his jacket and shirt, to be left only in a mess of a sweaty t shirt and his boxers, and climbed into bed. The mattress was hard on the back, but it was better than the floor and that had been good enough for him even when everything was normal. He took one last look at the framed photo on his nightstand and stayed longer on the face of his daughter, maybe to see if it would bring the sleep he knew wouldn’t come, thing that never had happen... or maybe just to burn her image in his eyes for a second before he left the dam inside him go loose, to help.

He didn’t know how much time had passed... not long enough probably... but as long as he kept his eyes on the ceiling everything would be fine, he wouldn’t have to think about his life, he could just not sleep till tomorrow came and he would be fine... he knew it was all a lie to himself… but it was a lie he wanted to believe in.

He hated this nights... hated that his brain brought all his failures before sleep, just to kick a fallen man deeper into the dirt he knew deep inside he deserved... he used to have a system, sleep late, wake early... that way the memories can’t catch up cause you're gone before they even appeared in the first place. How he discovered this secret he couldn’t remember... maybe it was in Boston after a big line of bad nights left him knock out the moment he drops into his bed and his brain, so exhausted, didn’t even bother with a nightmare of Sarah and left him with a good night sleep for once in a while.

The next day of course was filled with her face crying and, after a few second, going blank, like the dreams and life that has once been there had never existed and the only thing left of her was this body... "fair" he had said to his brain... but it wasn´t… not really.

In Jackson this system had collapsed. This feeling of home that had spark in him, with the help of Ellie and his brother, finally had left his mind end the line of constant nightmares, at least once in a while, and gave to him something he liked to call a decent sleep. He still didn’t rest more than 5 hours, not out of necessity but more of a remnant of the years of repetition and pre virus sleep schedule. He didn’t care though; knew he hadn't needed the 8 hours even when he was young... even though everyone tells him it would bring him to an early grave in the end... that would be something… if the thing that kills him is just his awful sleep time and not this damned world.

That was just wishful thinking by this point.

The first one to appear when he closed his eyes, to his surprise, was his ex-wife... Lisa...

so it was going to be this bad...

Lisa had been a nice woman, filled with dreams, sass and a sense of humor that could make you laugh to the point where your whole body would ask you to please stop it. She wasn’t very open with her emotions something that made her gravitate towards Joel in their high school years, they wanted a good time and they fitted pretty nicely with each other, he played the guitar and sang something sweet, she would sing too and dance to the beat. He didn’t have to speak too much to her, he could read her pretty well, and she understood to a point where it was almost scary.

They didn’t fight much... and all their conflicts seemed to end with a hug, a kiss and a long night of holding each other. They married young and quietly, but they did buy at least a dress and a suit, mostly by his request, he liked to see her in one. Everything was fine... at least till Sarah... they were happy at first... they wouldn’t bail on this, they were in this together... at least he had thought that much...

The note on their... his bed was from a woman that felt trap on this life... their life... someone who wanted more and that sadly figured that much too late and decided that she wanted out. There were many sorry’s on that letter, he didn’t read them all. gave up halfway thru the explanation... she had left them, he could deduce why she left later... the full explanation of why would most definitely destroy him, and little two-year-old Sarah didn't need to see his old man crying in his bed. He needed to be strong for her… she needed him.

A little tear began forming on his eye

His Baby girl...

To say Sarah was one of the things that made him keep going was an understatement. She was the glue that kept the man that was Joel Miller together. He would have done anything for her. The sky was the limit when it came to taking care of her. She was a little bit of a devil with how much attention and things he gave her, she was smart so she knew how to get out of trouble, but he didn’t care too much, he and tommy had made sure she was fine.

He still had her smile printed into his brain. The sound of her laugh was a little bit fuzzy, but he had the gist of it.

Her face when... when she... died, was also there…

He still didn’t understand how he survived after that. Maybe it was to give her death some meaning. Surviving just so her death had a point. He had survived and she had died, he needed to make it mean something.

Or maybe it was just to keep her memory... to be sure that someone would remember her whole being. Her laugh, her smile, how she cried, sang to awful pop songs, ate, danced, fell, got up... he had seen most of it... he seemed like the best person for the job. The pictures didn’t do enough justice… and Tommy wouldn’t have her in his mind like he did… he loved her, just not the same way he had… tommy didn’t lose the part that kept him alive that day… he would have to do.

He could feel the emotional dam he had made over the years crack a little, little failures here and there making it so the break seemed imminent.

"You're an asshole, you know that"

Next was... Tess...

His relationship with Tess was a weird one. It was born out of convenience, he was good at killing and work in silence, Tess was the same, and they were both pretty efficient, the difference being that he was way better at following rules, she took the role of leader in their dynamic, and in their strength… she was the bigger one in the two of them, in emotional terms. She had lost so much too, but she took that to make herself stronger, she wanted to live a little bit more. He was surviving just because it was a way to keep the memories at bay.

They cared for each other that much was true, but in the beginning was more just a "you're way to useful to die" than genuine care for the other being and it was just with time that they began to test the water of what was their relationship. After two years or so of them working together they slept on the same bed out of necessity, two months after that, in winter, they cuddle together in bed, then followed a weird first kiss months later and so on.

They never talked about it... maybe it would have help them in the long run, maybe it would have made her death worse than it already was, something that maybe could have been impossible to block from his mind... he knew a lot about her... she loved music, first thing they could really talk about, was decent in the kitchen but still left most of it to him when they had to do it, hated beer with her soul but could drink whiskey like it was water, she had a little collection of hair bands that were identical, she didn’t like the sea... maybe all of this would have been easier if she was the one who survived... she would have known what to do that day… maybe.

Or maybe she would have let Ellie be killed… he didn’t know which one she would have choose with a cure on the line…

"I’m sorry Tess... I’m so sorry...” he said between sobs at the roof “couldn’t let them make the cure... couldn't lose h… not… i failed you... I’m sorry..." he had said in between shaky breaths and tears that didn’t dare to escape his eyes, asking for some forgiveness that would likely never come.

"I was supposed to die Joel" 

And here he was again... back to the catalyst of this night. Another woman he had failed... another woman he let down, or pushed away... another one he had failed to see the signs of what was to come and another one that he couldn't share as much time as he would have like...

She was all of the failures from before, all the lessons he didn’t learn focused into one person that he had lied to her face. A big chance at redemption for his sins that he had failed again.

"But I’d like to try"

But she was trying to forgive him….

The dam broke. He was crying all the tears he had kept hidden for 20 years... the tears he didn’t shade to Tess... the tears he hold in after all the ones Sarah death had brought had dried in his face, and he saw how fucked the world really was... the tears he refused to let go from his eyes after Lisa left them without even daring to look at him to try an give him an explanation... the tears he knew couldn't let go when the eyes of the girl he had saved from death were filled with hatred directed solely in him... tears that hadn’t come when that same girl left his house after saying those words just a few hour ago.

"But I’d like to try"

He was crying and screaming into his pillow in hopes that no one could hear him... no one except for his ghosts... 

"I’m so sorry" 

He repeated. Again and again, till his voice began to crack ... 

It took some time to get back together, none of his ghost were there. The only face from those that was still there was a smiling Sarah holding a trophy right next to him. He grabbed the photo, tears still coming from his eyes. He put a finger into the face in the photo hold it there for a minute...

"I’m going to try to make it up to her... i promise baby girl... I’m going to try"

Ellie was worth it. Even if it took 20 years more, to get back what he had destroyed, he would be there to see that girl who made everything better in this god forsaken world… this girl that manage to see the beauty in the damned… that loved guitar and drawing… that had more sass in her than he had seen in most people, that was in love but didn’t understand it fully yet… he would try for her, to make every word she said to him this night be worth a damn. He closed his eyes again just for a little bit.

He woke up the next morning to the knocking of tommy on the door, still clutching the photo. his head hurt a little from all the crying, his hair was a mess. 

"Get up Joel, god dammit" he heard tommy scream 

He looked at the ceiling again, now a little lighter in spirit. He would try as hard as he could to make her decision worth a damn.

**Author's Note:**

> I know the ending is kinda morbid with how it ends kinda wishful for the future knowing what’s coming, but i just had to. Also side note i fucking hate how dumb Joel and Tommy are when they meet Abby, like they wouldn't give their real names in that situation mah dud, so it is a possibility i will write a second part for this where Joel lives. Just to spite Neil Druckmann. But don't get your hopes to high. college and my mental health they don’t help too much with the writing process of things.


End file.
